A modesty proposal

Closing the equality gap one nipple at a time

In a society that claims to value equality and justice, the double standard around bare chests remains a glaring contradiction. That women are policed, fined, and shamed for exposing their chests while men bare theirs with impunity is plainly discriminatory, rooted in outdated notions of morality. The human chest—two nipples and some fatty tissue—is fundamentally the same, yet we continue to treat them differently.

If decency is truly the goal, the unchecked male nipple must be addressed. Far from innocent, it has been fetishized in advertising, film, and fitness culture as a symbol of power and virility. The solution is obvious: regulate male toplessness with the same rigor imposed on women. Fairness demands nothing less.

Male nipples in media

Hollywood has long been complicit in topless inequality, glorifying the male chest while censoring its female counterpart. Shirtless men dominate our screens, from Thor’s gleaming pecs in Avengers to Adam Driver’s brooding torso in Star Wars. These scenes are celebrated as heroic or aspirational, but imagine the uproar if women’s nipples were treated this way. Public decency groups would riot.

The answer is simple: remove male nipples from media. Any depiction of a bare-chested man should trigger an R rating. Streaming platforms must implement nipple-detection algorithms to flag violations, ensuring shirtless scenes are treated as explicit content. Disney’s shirtless princes should be retrofitted with tunics or blouses, setting a modest example for impressionable young viewers.

Social media must follow suit. Platforms like Instagram and TikTok, already adept at enforcing topless bans for women, should extend their algorithms to male chests. It could only save these platforms money. Currently, they have to exhaust valuable resources to differentiate the nuances between male and female nipple shapes. Banning all nipple shapes would be much more efficient.

Bikinis for men

Of course, the logical next step is public spaces. Male toplessness at beaches, parks, and pools is a blatant affront to equality, flaunting privilege in settings where women are required to cover up. Men must be held to the same standard. A simple and effective solution is mandatory bikini tops for men. These could take a variety of forms, from sporty halters to elegant bandeaus, depending on personal taste. The booming male swimwear market could even embrace crop tops and tankinis, ensuring that modesty need not come at the expense of style.

Critics might argue that bikini tops would be restrictive or uncomfortable, but are these not the same justifications women have been dismissed with for decades? If society expects women to endure tan lines and ill-fitting straps, surely men can handle a little fabric to uphold public decency. Moreover, the economic opportunities are undeniable. Entire industries could spring up around men’s chest coverage and modesty fashions. In fact, when viewed through this lens, not only is this change a social imperative, it’s quite clearly our economic obligation.

Yet even a bikini top might not be enough in certain circumstances. What of the men whose nipples protrude indecently beneath dress shirts or athletic jerseys? Should their immodesty be overlooked simply because they are technically covered? Clearly not. To address this issue, we must normalize the male brassiere. Unlike a traditional bra, the male brassiere would prioritize concealment over support, featuring padded cups designed to obscure the outline of the nipple entirely. Professional dress codes could require these garments for any setting where visible nipples might disrupt the workplace, while high-end designers could introduce formal versions for galas and weddings.

A more modest future

While some might advocate for topless freedom for all, this approach invites chaos. Public order requires discipline, and modesty is a shared responsibility. Women are already policed for exposing their chests; true equality demands that men face the same scrutiny.

It is time to reject the reckless nipple anarchy of the past and embrace a future built on modesty for all. By addressing the unchecked male nipple—whether in media, history, or public life—we can create a society that upholds the principles of fairness and decency. Modesty is not a restriction; it is a gift we give to one another, a shared commitment to the values of equality and order. Only then, when every chest is held to the same standard, will we truly embody the principles of fairness and justice. 🪐